I Think This Series Is Sunk

The problem with the latest “Pirates” movie is that it’s missing too much of the original flair. Will and Elizabeth are missing, which I was ready for, but there’s also no sign of the Black Pearl (which has apparently been sunk and imprisoned in a bottle), the dog with the keys, or the two bumbling idiots omnipresent in the first three movies. Without all these little details, the movie seems to have lost its personality. It just doesn’t feel like a “Pirates” movie.

The characters who are there seem different, too. Jack Sparrow is his usual self, but he’s just about the only one. Barbosa has joined the English, which pretty much kills the character. One of the best scenes is at the end of the movie when Barbosa claims Blackbeard’s ship and reverts to his pirating ways. Jack’s old friend Gibbs, meanwhile, seems to be eternally cut off from the action and ignorant of the plan. One of his best moments is also at the end, when we learn that he’s made off with the whole fleet of ships in bottles, including the Black Pearl. But up until the last few minutes of the movie, these two act nothing like their original selves, which just makes the whole thing seem odd.

Then there’s the fact that most of the movie takes place on land. There’s not a single sea battle in the whole thing, and what’s a “Pirates” movie without a sea battle? Nor is there any of the usual consulting of compasses and telescopes and calling out “All hands on deck! Hoist the sails!” and that sort of thing. There isn’t even that much sword fighting. Then the Spanish manage to ruin the climax by announcing that they’ve gone to all the trouble of finding the Fountain of Youth just to destroy it, since “none but God can grant eternal life,” or something like that. Once they’ve done so, everyone puts their swords away and goes home.

The biggest problem might be that Jack isn’t directing the adventure. He’s at the mercy of Blackbeard and his daughter Angelica, who Jack was apparently in love with once. So all his usual antics just seem like a desperate attempt to avoid being shot by his captors rather than a brilliant plan to outsmart everyone else and gain the upper hand, which is what usually happens in the first three movies. Then there’s the fact that there isn’t a real bad guy, as evidenced by the un-climax. Blackbeard just isn’t evil enough and then he dies after falling for the oldest trick in the book.

Of course, it’s still a good movie. I’ve always said they could just dress Johnny Depp up like a pirate and have him stand around on a ship for two hours and I would pay money to see it. When it comes out on DVD I’m sure I will go on an adventure to buy it and then watch it three times in one weekend. But it still isn’t quite the same, and I suspect this will be the last movie. Going for number five would really just be silly.