Columbus: He Once Existed

Columbus Day is this week.

Several years ago I went to my Monday afternoon voice lesson on Columbus Day, which is also Canadian Thanksgiving. My voice teacher, Paul, who is Canadian, was on the phone with his parents in Canada. I stood and waited while he finished talking to them. One of them must have asked what the point of Columbus Day was because Paul said, “I don’t know, Columbus once existed.” It wasn’t really that funny, but I absolutely cracked up. Not wanting anyone on the other end of the phone to hear my cackling in the background, I tried to keep my giggle attack quite. A minute later Paul hung up and said, “Wow, I thought you were going to bust.”

This is what I think of anytime Columbus or Columbus Day or anything remotely related to Columbus comes up. As I was recalling it recently during one of those ever-present furniture store commercials, though, I realized that Paul actually had a point. Why, out of all the possible historical figures we could have chosen from, was Columbus the one to get his own day?

Columbus didn’t really do anything. He convinced the queen of Spain to give him some money and then he got lost. And yet for some reason he is the only historical figure besides Martin Luther King Jr. to merit a three-day weekend (a three day weekend for some people, anyway). Well, I guess technically Jesus has a day, too.

I can think of a lot of people who are more deserving of a spot on the calendar than Columbus. How about Gutenberg (I’m on kind of a Gutenberg kick, lately)? He did a lot more for the world than Columbus, and he actually did it on purpose. Or Shakespeare. Actually, Shakespeare really should get at least a couple of days. What about Da Vinci, Luther, William the Conqueror? I could go on and on.

But maybe we’re so patriotic we need to only have days celebrating Americans (because Columbus was such an American). All the presidents are covered under Presidents Day, but how about Ben Franklin? He’s way cooler than Columbus. Thomas Edison, Mark Twain, Paul Revere. I’m sure I could come up with dozens more if I had more time. Why, when we have all these possible choices, did we get stuck with Columbus Day?

I think I’m going to assign all my favorite historical figures a day on the calendar, kind of like those silly holidays. Hey, I made up my own holiday, didn’t I? I can sure decide that October 10 is going to be Gutenberg Day from now on if I want to.

One final note. Should I ever become famous enough to have a day off named after me, somebody make sure it’s on a Friday and not a Monday.