The Other Alternate Reality

I'm very upset right now so anything I say should be taken with a giant grain of salt.

One of my homework-avoiding hobbies is to read and post on a message board dedicated to snarking on Quiverfullers and other fundamentalist Christian types, typically referred to as "fundies." I have somewhat of a reputation on this message board as being the one who often tries to stick up for the fundies. I do this not so much because I always agree with them, but because I like to play devil's advocate and I like to argue.

Recently, a thread was started about the "tradition" of a man asking a woman's father if he (the man, not the father) can marry her. Others on the message board were livid. They see this tradition as taking away a woman's right to choose who she wants to marry. They see it as nostalgically pining for a past that never existed. Then, the tradition of the bride walking down the aisle with her father came up. Most people felt the same way about that tradition.

I finally chimed in, perhaps a little more angrily than I intended to. I said I think it's ridiculous to accuse people who just like traditions and want to have traditional weddings of somehow trying to take us back to a time when women had no rights, as if such a thing could happen, anyway. I also alluded to the fact that I want a traditional marriage, with traditional gender roles.

I didn't expect a positive response. I don't usually get a positive response on this message board. But of all the things I have said since I started posting there, I didn't expect that to be the one I got attacked for.

It quickly turned into a discussion about women's rights and whether I do or do not believe men and women are equal and why. I did the best I could to answer others' questions and to acknowledge that their points of view made sense. I even attempted to explain my belief in history and the great multiple choice test of life, not expecting anyone to understand it, since even my best friends don't understand it. To give these people credit, they understood more than I was hoping for.

Then someone brought up something I said in an earlier thread. This thread began with someone posting a list of "signs your spouse is becoming a fundie." This list included things like "they want to take your children to church" and "they pray every night." To me, it sounded like the person who posted the list saw anyone religious as fundie and I wanted to point out that this isn't really true. I copied the list into a new post and bolded all the things that I believe or agree with (about half the list) and then pointed out that most people would not consider me to be a fundie.

Unfortunately, one of the things I bolded was "they believe that the man should be the leader in any relationship and they want to try to make that work in your life together." I don't necessarily agree with the first half of that statement and had the second half not been there I'm sure I never would have bolded it. I did so because that is what I want for my marriage. I have no desire to tell other people how to live.

I got plenty of responses to my post in that thread, but weeks later someone brought up what I said there in the wedding traditions thread as "proof" that I believe men and women are not equal and any claims I make about reconsidering that belief are lies and attempts to hide my "ignorance."

I try to play nice on this message board, I really do. In the past, posters have been essentially ostracized because they strayed to far from the ultra-liberal party line. I like reading and posting there and I don't want that to happen to me. But this is my blog, which, as far as I know, no one reads anyway, so I'm going to say what I want.

I think most of these people are living in a dream world, which is funny, because refusing to accept reality is one of their favorite things to accuse fundies of doing. In their world, aside from purely physical differences, all women are exactly like all men, and they should live their lives accordingly. It is impossible to find even the tiniest ounce of pleasure in cooking, cleaning, or raising children. Everyone goes to college, and they go because they want to, because college is the single most important thing they will ever do and they have been dreaming of it all their lives. Everyone chooses what they want to do with their life, and anyone who chooses anything besides a traditional four-year college followed focus on a single career has been brainwashed by religion. People in the past were miserable. It was impossible to have a happy life before the 21st Century. Science and logic always trump religion. Anyone who believes in any sort of creation is choosing to be ignorant. I could go on, but it's getting late.

How is that not a fantasy world? Granted, I have limited experience, but every single person I know contradicts at least one of the above statements. Do I not live in the real world? Some of the people on this message board have suggested as much. Apparently, anyone who socializes with friends they met at church does not live in the real world. That's another one.

Sometimes, I wish the people on that message board could have a chance to get to know me, the real me, contradictions and all. I try not to talk about myself too much over there, because the purpose of the board isn't to talk about ourselves, although we do plenty of that. I think everyone is probably more extreme, more black-and-white on the internet. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it would be nice to see some gray areas once in awhile.

Maybe I need to take a break from that message board for awhile. Maybe I need to stop talking about my beliefs until I'm more sure of what, exactly, they are. Maybe I need to remind myself that my life is mine and I can live it however I want. Maybe I need to stop worrying about who's world is more real and just be content with the fact that my world is real enough for me.